January 8, 2021

One half of Team Fergmeijer decided to try online dating last year, but she didn’t have much luck. She dated a crane operator, and was really let down. The next date was with a barber, but the evening was cut short. She clicked on one profile of an HVAC specialist, but just got the cold shoulder. She was optimistic about the doctor, but he had no patience. Things started well with the librarian, but she dumped him when he insisted they had to keep it quiet. She went out with one who was a golf pro - they really hit it off, but the relationship quickly ran its course. After that she fell in love with a fireman and got burned. Then there was the bridge builder; it didn’t end well and she still isn’t over him. We are hoping for better luck at relationships in 2021!

There were several birthdays in the community over the holidays, so the happiest of happy birthday wishes go out to John F, Melanie H, Chris T and Jen W, who all turned 29. We hope you were like a pickle and relished each moment of your special days!

A hearty thank-you to everyone who performed in and attended the first virtual Kagawong Christmas Concert on Saturday, December 19th. We had over 50 families in attendance, all the way from Surrey, British Columbia, to Mahone Bay, Nova Scotia, and even Peru! All in all, over $700 was raised for Manitoulin Family Resources in lieu of the usual non-perishable collection. Did you miss the live show? Not to worry, you can check out the video at https://tinyurl.com/KagawongXmas AND you can still donate at www.mfresources.net.

Our deepest sympathies go out to the Newland family on the loss of Oliver. He was a vital part of the community and he will be missed. The visitations on Friday and Saturday are by invitation only due to Covid restrictions, but a spring funeral and burial will be held at the Kagawong cemetery for family and friends to celebrate Oliver’s life. Memorial donations can be made to the Mindemoya Hospital Auxiliary or to the Billings Heritage Centre through simpsonfuneralhome.ca

Remember that time the Kagawong Gobble Brigade took over the road to Maple Ridge? Or the time the township celebrated that special event? Catch up on old times with the complete archive of Team Fergmeijer columns, all the way back to 2015! Check out http://teamfergmeijer.blogspot.com to get your fill of puns and haiku. 

Deep thought for the week: If Lucille Ball’s show was filmed on Manitoulin, would it have been called “Isle of Lucy”? Have a great week!

Holiday Special 2020

‘Twas the night before Christmas in a hell of a year.
Dear column readers, we could use some good cheer!

In March we locked down, and since then have been leery;

New COVID protocols making us all pretty weary.

But it wasn’t all bad in our quaint little town,

At least we had a chance to finish streaming The Crown. 

Some were predicting disaster and doom,

But we moved things online, to Meets and to Zoom.

The lack of Christmas concert caused people to gripe, 

So it streamed online hosted by Jill and by Mike. 

Many a new act from citizens were submit, 

As well as a replay of the classic chicken skit.

But it wasn’t just Christmas that was revived and renewed,

Over and over we came through, with courageous fortitude!

While eateries in some places found themselves in distress, 

Our sammiches went from Café to Express!

The small craft harbour had a lot of work done. 

Now even more boaters can join in the fun. 

“Christmas in Kagawong” was early, but was still a big hit...

Fergmeijer spent a lot there, we have to admit.

Coffee, massages, birdhouses and gas:

Kagawong attracted new visitors en masse!

Keeping us on our toes, the market moved up the hill,

While Town office staff went back to the Old Mill.

Black holes are to blame! At least that’s our deduction,

Resulting in gazebo and porch reconstruction.

The housing market boomed, there is no doubt:

The secret of Billings is definitely out!

High water levels all over had beaches disappearing, 

So the Old Mill was protected with some new engineering. 

The stairs to the falls were declared a taboo, 

Bringing tourists downtown, not just passing through.

Last year we wished you 12 months of good things, 

Little did we know what 2020 would bring. 

This year instead, we’ll toast to your health,

Happiness and love: the real measures of wealth.

Until next year, take care of you and yours.

Maybe by then we’ll have new Euchre scores. 

December 18, 2020

Your favourite hard-hitting journalists have been busy crossing people off our ‘to-buy-for’ list. Most of them because we managed to find the perfect gift, but some just because they criticized our puns. For those we do buy for, we like to wrap the gifts up with beautiful paper and top it off with a candy cane. We don’t use any broken candy canes though; only those in mint condition. For one friend, we bought a pair of shoes online without seeing them. It wasn’t until they arrived that we realized one of them wasn’t right. We are especially excited for one gift in particular. We bought our Manitoulin Mom a refrigerator this year. We can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it! 

Following in the footsteps of Team Fergmeijer’s regular reporting on the Kagawong goings-on, the Township of Billings is now publishing monthly newsletters! Head to the township website (billingstwp.ca) and click on “Administration” in the top menu bar to check it out! 

We have a winner! Congratulations to Rachel Valade on winning the Dig and Doug birdfeeder as part of the Billings Library’s latest fundraiser! Second place - and winner of the jar of candies - is Linda Ferguson. Congratulations, ladies! Thank you to everyone who bought tickets and entered their guesses.

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

Happy 29th birthday to Darren H, a guy who has yet to start looking his age (or acting it)! Also celebrating is online force-of-nature Christine L-M. She turns 29 today! We hope Little One bakes you up something spectacular, and that the cows stay on the correct side of the fencing. 

It’s here! It’s here! Get ready for a Kagawong Community Christmas Concert like no other tomorrow, Saturday December 19th, at 7pm. Pop on your fuzziest slippers, top up a mug of your favourite hot beverage, and gather the family on the couch to tune in on Zoom. Go to https://tinyurl.com/KagawongXmas2020 to join the concert. Passcode is: Kagawong. 

As always, we like to pay it forward, so cash donations can be made to Manitoulin Family Resources in lieu of our usual non-perishable collection (www.canadahelps.org/en/dn/9789).

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, and the worst of thymes.

Don’t forget that the landfill will be closed Thursday, December 24th, and Thursday, December 31st; the library will be closed Thursday the 24th, Saturday the 26th, and Thursday the 31st; the town office will be closed from Thursday, December 24th until Friday, January 3rd, 2021. 

Did you know? A plateau is the highest form of flattery. Have a great week!

December 11, 2020

Most weeks, Team Fergmeijer approaches the column with some sort of idea or theme in mind. This week we are drawing a bit of a blank, so we decided to dig up the funniest bits of random silliness we have accumulated over the years. This makes it sound like we put lots of planning and fore-thought into each column, and much like our secret identities, we have no plans of revealing the actual truth of our organizational skills. 

Santa made an early stop in the village last weekend to (socially distant) visit with the locals. Everyone was so excited to see him and make sure he knew where to find them on the big night. Thanks Santa!

Team Fergmeijer joined an online astronomy club recently. At the last meeting some members got into a heated discussion about infinity; we thought it would never end. 

For the second time this year, The Recorder delivery has been delayed due to a glitch at the Sudbury loading docks. We’re sure it wasn’t the postal workers laughing so hard at the Team Fergmeijer column that they fell over and weren’t able to complete the loading. Pretty sure.   

Following in the footsteps of Team Fergmeijer’s regular reporting on the Kagawong goings-on, the Township of Billings is now publishing monthly newsletters! Head to the township website (billingstwp.ca) and click on “Administration” in the top menu bar to check it out! 

The person who invented the term insomnia missed a golden opportunity to call it resisting a rest. 

Tomorrow (Saturday) is the last day to get to the library to submit your guess to win the gorgeous Dig and Doug bird feeder. The winner will be the person who calculates closest to the actual number of candies in the jar (the person who guesses the second closest gets the candy). Tickets ($2 each or 3 for $5) are available at the library until 1pm on Saturday December 12th. 

Muffins spelled backwards is what we do when we take them out of the oven. 

Happy birthday goes out to Hailey F (one of our superfans, because she isn’t allowed NOT to be a fan). She’s not quite 29 in years yet, but she’s pretty close in terms of attitude and sass. 

If you walk backwards into the wind, is it a tailwind or a headwind?

On Saturday December 19th, the annual Kagawong Christmas concert is moving out of the Park Centre and onto the Internets! Hosts Mike and Jill will stream the concert, presenting pre-recorded acts (new, and possibly some classics, too), so that Kagawongians near and far will be able to watch (and join in)! Want to participate? Create a video and contact kagawong@live.ca and we will arrange to add it to our playlist. Tomorrow (Saturday, December 12) is the last day to submit a video! Not sure how to create a video? Email and the organizers will help make it happen! As always, we like to pay it forward, so cash donations can be made to Manitoulin Family Resources in lieu of our usual non-perishable collection (www.canadahelps.org/en/dn/9789). The Zoom link and login information will be posted to the Kagawong Facebook page and in this column next week. 

We finally did it. We got a horse! His name is Mayo and sometimes Mayo neighs. 

Even though the Christmas holidays are still a few weeks away, it’s never too early to start planning township outings! Don’t forget that the landfill will be closed Thursday, December 24th, and Thursday, December 31st; the library will be closed Thursday the 24th, Saturday the 26th, and Thursday the 31st; the town office will be closed from Thursday, December 24th until Friday, January 3rd, 2021. 

Last night, one half of Team Fergmeijer accidentally superglued her thumb and forefinger together. But don’t worry - it will be ok. Have a great week!

December 4, 2020

You better watch out, and you better not cry. You definitely better not pout, and Team Fergmeijer will tell you why... Santa Claus is coming to town! There will be a meet and greet with Santa himself tomorrow (Saturday, December 5th) from 5pm-6:30pm in the parking lot of the Kagawong Park Centre. Don’t forget to bring your letter for Santa! Did we mention there will be goodie bags for the kids?? COVID-19 safety protocols will be in effect. For more information, the township website (www.billingstwp.ca) or their Facebook page (www.Facebook.com/billingstownshipkagawong). Please note that the paint workshop scheduled for earlier in the day has been cancelled.

On behalf of all of our loyal readers, we would like to thank Merv Gilchrist for granting the township his expertise and leadership as the Billings fire chief for all these years. He is stepping down from the position, and  he leaves some big boots to be filled. The fire department is definitely the better for having had him at the helm. Thank you, Merv!

Following in the footsteps of Team Fergmeijer’s regular reporting on the Kagawong goings-on, the Township of Billings is now publishing monthly newsletters! Head to the township website (billingstwp.ca) and click on “Administration” in the top menu bar to check it out! 

The Kagawong Cenotaph board is partnering with the Legion in Little Current for “Operation Christmas Cheer” to send Christmas cards to our troops. Some complimentary cards are available at the post office while they last, or you can mail your own card to

“Any Canadian Forces Member

P.O. Box 5004 Stn Forces

Belleville, ON.   K8N 5W6”

No stamp required! Let them know that you appreciate their service. Deadline to drop off the Christmas card in the gift box at the post office is December 10.

Are you feeling smart(ie)? Pop by the library for a chance to win a fantastic Dig and Doug bird feeder, by guessing how many candies are in the jar on display. The contest will run for a limited time only - just one week to go! - and the winner will be the person who calculates closest to the actual number of candies in the jar. The person who guesses the second closest gets the candy! Tickets are $2 each or 3 for $5. Head to the library for more details and to make your best estimate. 

Happy 29th birthday to the president of the Team Fergmeijer fan club: Laurie Z. Ask her to show you her special ‘Kagawong Kurio Kabinet’ where she keeps all her favourite Fergmeijer momentos (including some locks of hair she may or may not have yanked from our heads as we were standing in line one day).

On Saturday December 19th, the annual Kagawong Christmas concert is moving out of the Park Centre and onto the Internets! Hosts Mike and Jill will stream the concert, presenting pre-recorded acts (new, and possibly some classics, too), so that Kagawongians near and far will be able to watch (and join in)! Want to participate? Create a video - funny, silly or campy are ideal, but we’ll take pretty much anything. Contact kagawong@live.ca and we will add it to our playlist. Not sure how to create a video? Email and the organizers will help make it happen! As always, we like to pay it forward, so cash donations can be made to Manitoulin Family Resources in lieu of our usual non-perishable collection (www.canadahelps.org/en/dn/9789). 

Even though the Christmas holidays are still a few weeks away, it’s never too early to start planning township outings! Don’t forget that the landfill will be closed Thursday, December 24th, and Thursday, December 31st; the library will be closed Thursday the 24th, Saturday the 26th, and Thursday the 31st; the town office will be closed from Thursday, December 24th until Friday, January 3rd, 2021. 

Did you know? Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Have a great week!

November 27, 2020

This was a difficult week on our favourite Island, with the death of OPP Constable Marc Hovingh. He impacted many lives here. Our condolences to his family and friends. 

The Kagawong Cenotaph board is partnering with the Legion in Little Current for “Operation Christmas Cheer” to send Christmas cards to our troops.  Some complimentary cards are available at the post office while they last. Or you can mail your own card to

“Any Canadian Forces Member

P.O. Box 5004 Stn Forces

Belleville, ON.   K8N 5W6”

No stamp required! Let them know that you appreciate their service.  Deadline to drop off the Christmas card in the gift box at the post office is December 10.

 

This Saturday is your first chance to “guess how many candies are in the jar” for a chance to win a fantastic Dig and Doug bird feeder. It will run for a limited time - just two weeks, and the winner will be the person who calculates closest to the actual number of candies in the jar. The person who guesses the second closest gets the candy! Head to the library for more details and to make your best estimate. 

 

You better watch out, and you better not cry. You definitely better not pout, and Team Fergmeijer will tell you why... Santa Claus is coming to town! There will be a meet and greet with Santa himself Saturday, December 5th from 5pm-6:30pm in the parking lot of the Kagawong Park Centre. Don’t forget to bring your letter for Santa! Did we mention there will be goodie bags for the kids?? COVID-19 safety protocols will be in effect. For more information, the township website (www.billingstwp.ca) or their Facebook page (www.Facebook.com/billingstownshipkagawong) - you will also find information on a Christmas sign painting event on the same day!

Don’t forget, just because it’s cold doesn’t mean Fido can’t get some exercise! The Kagawong off-leash dog park is still open throughout the winter! Only two rules apply: never eat yellow snow, and don’t lick the fire hydrants (you won’t like the results of either one). FYI, those rules apply to dogs and humans equally. 

Know someone celebrating a birthday? Anniversary? Bar Mitzvah? Mortensaften? Drop us a line so we can embarrass, uh, celebrate them appropriately with a mention in this column!

On Saturday December 19th, the annual Kagawong Christmas concert is moving out of the Park Centre and onto the interwebs! Hosts Mike and Jill will stream the concert, presenting pre-recorded acts (new and possibly some classics, too), so that Kagawongians near and far will be able to watch (and participate)! Want to participate? Create a video - funny, silly or campy are ideal, but we’ll take pretty much anything. Contact kagawong@live.ca and we will add it to our playlist.  Not sure how to create a video? Email and the organizers will help make it happen! As always, we like to pay it forward, so cash donations can be made to Manitoulin Family Resources in lieu of our usual non-perishable collection (www.canadahelps.org/en/dn/9789). 

This year, through a secret source, we have obtained a list of rules that have been drawn up for the township staff’s Christmas party. As we understand it, they were drawn up following last year’s party, which was by all accounts spectacular. Here are some of the standout new rules:

1.  No nudity. 

2.  No more flaming shots (Randall is still recovering from the Canada Day debacle. He has made lots of friends in the burn ward but he wishes everyone to know the dangers of peer pressure)

3.  Santa Gladiator in the ring of swivel chairs will be swiftly dismantled if it pops up again this year.

4.  Don’t climb the tree

5.  Presents will be opened before the champagne to avoid all those pesky ‘honest opinions’ 

6.  All music will be Gaelic, church-y or otherwise pre-1995 Christmas songs. No Gwen Stefani.

7.  In the event of musical chairs breaking out, please see rule #1 

8.  Smile often, share in laughter, be kind to one another. 

9.  Don’t steal office supplies (you can do that any other time of the year dangit!)

10. Have a great week!

November 20, 2020

We at Team Fergmeijer are doing everything we can to stop the spread of COVID-19, but we have to admit, the lack of socialization is tough at times. We were discussing it the other day and decided we have been handling it pretty well. Not everyone in the house is so positive about it all and some are downright tired of hearing about pandemic this, and pandemic that. We pretty much always ignore the washing machine (it’s always putting its own spin on things), but the fridge has been acting distant and cold, and the sink is all, ‘the world’s going down the drain!” We suspect the iron was arguing that the situation isn’t that pressing, and don’t get us started on the vacuum telling us to just suck it up! The door knob had the nerve to tell us to get a grip and the curtains just wanted us to pull ourselves together. At least the fan is optimistic and thinks it will blow over soon. The toilet was pretty quiet through it all, but looked a bit flushed once everything was said and done. (Shout out to John B for passing along these gems!)

The library’s silent auction was a resounding success, but they still have one more trick up their sleeve. They will be launching a “guess how many candies are in the jar” contest next weekend. It will run for a limited time - just two weeks (mainly because the librarians can only be trusted so far with a jar of candy in front of them). The winner will be the person who guesses closest to the actual number of candies in the jar BEFORE the librarians started snacking, and they’ll take home a great gift donated by Dig and Doug Cedar Furniture. The person who guesses the second closest gets the jelly beans! Head to the library next weekend for more details and to make your best estimate. 

Keep an eye out for the Kagawong Gobble Brigade over the weekend. Deer season is traditionally when the KGB tends to make their presence known in town in a big way. They are pretty much guaranteed to be strutting around town, partying all night and stirring up trouble. They especially like it when they can put away their camo outfits and break out the neon orange and pink for a change. 

Know someone celebrating a birthday? Anniversary? Bar Mitzvah? Mortensaften? Drop us a line so we can embarrass, uh, celebrate them appropriately with a mention in this column!

The annual Kagawong Christmas concert is moving out of the Park Centre and online! Hosts will live-stream the concert, presenting pre-recorded acts, so that Kagawongians near and far will be able to watch (and participate)! We need more acts to round out the show (otherwise it’s just Jill and Mike with a lot of bad puns). If you do magic, sing, dance, act, recite, juggle, sword swallow, or have any other “talent” you would be willing to share, create a video (keep it around 5 minutes) and submit it to kagawong@live.ca. Not sure how to create a video? Email and the organizers will help make it happen! Check out the Kagawong facebook page for more details. 

Team Fergmeijer doesn’t really care for rifle season, but we went bow hunting once. It wasn’t very hard. We found most of them on top of our Christmas presents. Have a great week!